KID ROCK BEATEN BY OCTOGENERIAN
By Abel DuSable

During a concert in Los Angeles, self styled “American Badass” Kid Rock was severely beaten onstage by what witnesses describe as a “Little Old Lady”. Thirty minutes into his two hour musicfest the suspect, dubbed ‘Methuselah’ by the witnesses, somehow avoided security and made her way onstage. Hobbling over to Kid Rock she then proceeded to assault him with her cane, fists and handbag. Even after Kid Rock had crumpled to the ground in agony ‘Methuselah’ continued to kick him repeatedly for two more minutes before calmly walking offstage and out of the stadium uncontested.
When asked how such a thing could have occurred, Head of Security, Marvin Miggs (28) could only say, “I guess the guys thought she was just part of the show. I mean look at her, she seemed so harmless. Then after the way she kicked the (expletive deleted) out of the boss we weren’t about to be the ones to get in her way.”
Roadie, Wallace (Wiggy) Myers (47), described the sight as “gutwrenching” and “embarrassing” as the mystery woman made Kid Rock, a man who built his self image as being a tough uncompromising rebel “cry like a little baby when she beat the tar outta him.”
Fans of Kid Rock refused to comment on the event but seemed unusually silent after their anti-hero “had his butt handed to him” by a woman more than three times his age.
Before the ambulance took him away, Kid Rock was quoted as saying “My Fingers! The (expletive deleted) broke my fingers! How can I make music videos without being able to (expletive deleted) flip the bird?”. Kid Rock was admitted to St. Francis Hospital and is currently listed in stable condition.
The police haven’t passed over the suspicion that “Methuselah” may be a much younger person in disguise or that this attack on Kid Rock bears striking similarities to other “Little Old Lady” attacks on Rap stars Emenem, Puff Daddy and the members of Limp Biskit as well as Pop diva Cher and may be the work of a coordinated group. “We’re looking into all possible leads” stated Roger Corbin, Chief of the Los Angeles police in a news conference. “We have very few leads at the moment, but we’re confident we’ll catch the suspect.”
The suspect is reported to be a woman in her mid-eighties, five feet tall, wrinkled, with grey hair and thick glasses. She was last seen wearing a grey-blue floral print dress, ‘sensible’ black shoes, a small blue hat with fruit (artificial) on it, a heavy black handbag and a very hard white cane. It is recommended that anyone seeing her call the authorities immediately and under no circumstances approach her. She is to be considered armed and extremely feisty.